Keri Tibbets' Parenthood Article Discussion

Okay, let the discussion begin. I have lots of thoughts on this but I am still struggling to organize them. Here are a couple of random thoughts I have so far:

1. I love her focus on training her children to use their agency by allowing them to use it now. I know that I tend to be the "carrying" type of parent and I see how that infringes on their agency (and completely wears me out in the process). You all know how strongly I feel about the idea of acting rather than being acted upon.

2. Of course, she nailed it on the head as she addressed the paradox we are faced with to teach yet give unconditional love. I am relatively familiar with Love and Logic so some of her ideas weren't new for me. However, reading her words helped me feel like it is possible to cheerfully discipline my children (and show compassion). A big help was the attention she gave to the fact that we must expect the kids to make mistakes. These are not problems but teaching opportunities. I love how the authors of Love and Logic put it. They say that we love these mistakes because we teach the children when the cost is low. But if we coddle them while they're little the price grows and grows as they get older. A broken leg from climbing a rock is a cheaper way to learn caution than a car accident. Celebrate the mistakes and joyfully use them to teach.

3. It became clear as I was reading this that this method requires so much more of us than we are accustomed to...at least for awhile. But I did feel like it would certainly work best in her Headgates model of home. Trying to consistently use these principles while traveling about the city, visiting friends, shopping, etc would be an exercise in futility. So, that is a large prerequisite...one that I hope to accomplish sooner than later. (Stop laughing) That being said, while the methods might not work for everyone, I think the principles are sound. If her methods don't work, don't throw the article out. Just dig out the principles and find a method that would support them in your environment.

4. Spanking. Well? I dunno. I see her logic. I agree with her logic. I believe it would work. But am I capable of spanking? I don't think my hand could deliver. Is there an alternative? I agree that timeout when a child is disobeying a request is ineffective. It's not fast enough and it gives them what they want...to not do the thing they were asked to do. I did a whole study on spanking in college. The studies showed that spanking, when done lovingly and consistently, did no more harm than any other forms of discipline. In fact, timeout can have all those negative results we mistakenly associate with spanking if it is done inconsistently and with the wrong emotions attached. But that doesn't remove the fact that it would require me to "hit." So, I like the cycle she has created but I wonder if there is something else that could be plugged into the spanking spot. Any thoughts?

4a. When you start thinking about the application of her other methods, they really do seem to rely upon having established a direct obedience to her requests. Thus, the spanking question really does need to be addresssed. Otherwise, there is going to be a lot of picking up my child and making them go to timeout. Such a method can only work so long since Ollie is already breaking my back.

4b. Do the ends justify the means in this case? Like sleep training, is some serious discomfort worth the lesson learned? In my experience with sleep training so far...the answer comes down to a 50/50. Unless, of course, you have the help of angels and then everything looks different.

That's it! I just need a couple concourses of angles hanging around. Sounds nicer.

Anyway, I see that I have a propensity to be a bit on the believing side when something is in writing. And I am on the inexperienced side of mothering. So, I am curious what some experienced mothers have to say about this. What do you disagree with? Do you disagree because of your personal circumstances or because you think the method/principle is off?

Can't wait to hear from all of you! (I even used an exclamation mark, so you'd better plan on responding.)